


Yellow.

by EmmaWeasley28



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coldplay, Coming Out, Fluff, Gay Awakening, Guitar, Hogwarts, Lily Evans is the fucking best, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Oblivious Sirius Black, Pining Remus Lupin, they’re both confused, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaWeasley28/pseuds/EmmaWeasley28
Summary: Remus has the biggest crush on Sirius although he would never in a million years do anything about it. Too much risk.Sirius desperately dates every girl in sight to find a person who would make him feel something. He takes a while to actually figure out that this person is his nerdy, sarcastic best friend.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. The night fate decided he was doomed

_How the fuck did i end up like this._

Remus Lupin sat on one of the comfy and worn out armchairs in the common room with a book open on his lap. His attention however was not on his book but rather on a certain black haired boy sitting on the floor in front of him. Sirius was currently totally loosing in a game of chess against Peter.

It didn't matter how much Remus didn't want to be in love with his best friend, he couldn't change it. He couldn't change the magnetic pull that came from Sirius Black, he simply couldn't tear himself away. He was like a helpless fish caught in a fisherman's net. Exept the fisherman didn’t even know he bloody caught something. And now Remus was comparing himself to fish. _Great_.

His stupid little crush started one night at the beginning of their fourth year. If Sirius had just been a little less perfect, Remus thought, he would be fine now.  
But unfortunately Sirius was always perfect. And how could Remus not fall for him. He basically didn't stand a chance from the beginning.

Remus frequently liked to think back to that night. The night fate decided he was doomed.  
*******  
Like always Remus couldn't sleep. He lay awake in his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory, thinking.

Thoughts can be very dangerous. Especially at night.

So the only thing left to do was get up. Remus wouldn't fall asleep anyways so why not be productive.  
As quietly as he could he took out his transfigurations book and tiptoed towards the balcony. Their dorm had a tiny balcony that barely fit two people, looking out onto the Hogwarts grounds. The almost full moon was shining brightly in the night sky, reminding him of what would occur in just a couple of days when the moon would be full.  
Fuck you, he muttered under his breath.

The midnight air was fresh but a warm breeze still hung in the air ,reminiscent of hot summer days. Remus sat down onto the floor, as the balcony was way to narrow for any real furniture.

That was about the time Sirius Black woke up. The boy hadn't been able to sleep peacefully all summer and was glad he even dozed off for a couple hours ,without his mind being filled with horrible depictions of his Summer holiday. He had to keep reminding himself that he was home now. At Hogwarts he was safe, his friends were here and that's all that mattered.

Sirius sat up in his bed. He wouldn't dare to try to fall asleep again, in fear of the nightmares haunting his dreams.  
Through the large window on the wall facing Sirius's bed, the boy saw Remus Lupin sitting in the balcony of their dormitory.  
 _I'm not the only one having a rough night I suppose_. He contemplated joining him or whether he would be better off just falling asleep again.  
 _He must be freezing_ , Sirius thought.

So Sirius grabbed a sweater from Remus's trunk. He liked this one, the brown colour sort of looked like hot chocolate and made Remus's green eyes sparkle.

When Sirius opened the door to the balcony Remus jerked up in surprise.  
„Jesus, Padfoot. You scared the hell out of me. I'm sorry if I woke you, I was trying to be quite." Remus looked up at Sirius smiling when he saw the jumper in his hand.

„Sorry. Nah, you didn't wake me I couldn't sleep anyways" Sirius assured his friend as he handed him the jumper and sat down next to him. „You looked lonely and cold so I decided to join you. And nobody can sleep with Peters snoring anyway."  
Remus smiled at him but still noticed the dark circles under his friend's eyes, telling him that Sirius hasn't sleep well for a while now.

„What's bothering you, Moony. Why can't you sleep?" Sirius said and Remus was painfully aware of his concerned looks. Merlin, he was tired of people always looking at him that way.

„Oh, nothing. It's just the full moon is in a couple of days..." Remus was tying his best to sound convincing. He wasn't lying. His back pains were part of the reason he couldn't sleep tonight. But they were not the only one.

Sirius looked at Remus for a while contemplating his answer.  
„I don't buy it" he said thickly. „I'm not as daft as Prongs is, mate. I can tell somethings is bothering you. I notice things, you know. I'm not as excellent of a people watcher as you but I still notice things."

„How does it feel like snogging girls?" Remus blurted out, only to immediately regret what he said just seconds after.

Sirius was taken by surprise and curiously looked at Remus, whose cheeks were turning bright red.  
„I dunno, Moony. Kinda wet, I guess... Why do you want to know though?" Remus still felt Sirius eyeing him in a strange way because the was not a very _Remus_ question to ask.

After a moment of thinking Sirius grinned. „Are you telling me there's a giiiirrrlllllll, Moony!"

Remus had an expression Sirius couldn't quite place. Something between desperation and bitterness. „No. And I also fear that there might never actually be one." Remus whispered it, in fear of what Sirius would respond.

„Come again ??" Sirius was utterly confused now. He turned his body towards Remus, awaiting what his friend would say next.

„All I know is that I don't look at girls the way you, James and I suppose Peter do. I see they're beautiful, but that doesn't make me feel anything..."

That was the fist time Remus had worded his concerns and it felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. The thought had persistently been in the back of his head for a couple months now. Especially since James and Sirius had been going kind of girl-crazy lately.  
James started asking out poor Lily Evans every ten minutes, but also joined Sirius in checking out other girls.  
It had reached a peak when Sirius burst into the boys dormitory, proudly bragging that Olivia Branwell snogged him in the broom closet near the Charms classroom.

James has been sulking ever since because Sirius had been snogged before him. Peter was jealous but also admiringly listened to Srirus describing the incident in excruciating detail. Remus didn't really know what to do with the given information.

„They sure are very beautiful" Sirius pointed out with an absent grin.  
„Yes, I know Padfoot you are very fond of women" Remus smiled wearily and gave Sirius legs a soft nudge.

„Verrryyyyy fond of them indeeeeeed" Sirius said dragging his words unnecessarily long and his voice growing quieter with each word.

There was a long pause where neither of them said anything and they were just looking at each other.

Sirius broke the silence first. „Well it's quite simple then. It's either men or neither"  
„It's not neither."  
„Then its clear isn't it"  
Remus buried his head in his hands and let out a muffled whimper.

Sirius put his arm on Remus's shoulder making him look up. He looked earnestly into his eyes and said „It's totally okay you know. Whoever you wanna shag, I really couldn't care less. I'll still be your friend. And the lads will as well, I'm sure of it." Sirius's usual grin was slowly returning. „I reckon you could get a totally bad-ass boyfriend that will hang out with us all the time."

Sirius's excitement did not project onto Remus. He rather felt like he had just been thrown into a freezing cold ocean and hadn't been teached how to swim yet.

„ Sirius!" Remus let out a desperate sigh and his shoulders deflated. „I can't afford to be any more weird that I already am."  
He lifted his arm into the night sky and drew a box in the air. „ There are normal people"  
Then he moved his finger way across in the other direction. „This is me. A gay, nerdy, werewolf, wizard"

Sirius still didn't shake the slight smile from his face. „ Well you're in luck then" He announced „You're talking to the king of stepping out of line. I'm the disgrace of my family. A Gryffindor amongst Slytherins. If I know anything, then I know about being different.„  
He made one of the dramatic pauses he always liked to make when he was about to say something sentimental.  
„What I also know is that not being normal isn't half as bad. As long as you're being yourself. Life is too short pretending to be something you're not."

Sirius's words felt like a bandage covering Remus's wounded soul. „Thanks Padfoot" He whispered.  
„I do what I can" Sirius shrugged and winked at Remus. „Come on lets get inside,Wolfboy. We probably both could use some sleep."

Remus stood up and offered Sirius his hand to help him up. Sirius took it and when he was standing put his arm playfully around his friends shoulders. „You're gonna be fine Moony. I promise"

Remus smiled weakly and asked him with concern in his voice „I would appreciate if the, uhhmm things we talked about remained private.... at least for now. I don't think I'm ready to tell the others just yet. Not if I haven't really figured it out myself" He awkwardly laughed in an attempt to lighten the mood.

To his surprise Sirius got really, well ..., serious. „ Your secret is safe with me. I would rather die then betray your trust, Remus. I won't tell a soul until you're ready."

„Thanks, Pads"  
The two boys went inside of the warm dormitory and were greeted by Peters snoring.

After their conversation, Remus snuggled up in his bed reminiscing the kind words Sirius had said to him, waiting for sleep to take him to a far away place.


	2. Dreams

„Wormtail, I don't know how you're doing it but i know you're cheating, mate" 

„It's really not that hard to beat you, Padfoot" Peter exclaimed in his defense. 

Remus let out a silent chuckle. Sirius was notoriously bad at games. And on top of that also a very sore looser. 

They were still situated in the common room. It had kind of become a ritual of the fifth years to take up the common room in the evening, to every one else's dismay.   
At the foot of the armchair Remus was lounging in, sat Sirius and Peter crouched over the coffetable in front of the fire. James was lying on the couch, taking up way too much space. He was playing with his stolen snitch.( James was convinced it made him look cool and careless, but really annoyed everyone. It was especially entertaining though, when James didn't catch the tiny golden ball and it would fly away from him. He always got incredibly awkward when that happened and tried to come up with an excuse for his failure. It was the wind) 

Marlene McKinnon was sitting next to him and they were in the midst of a heated discussion about the latest Quidditch game. Remus didn't pay attention to what exactly they were discussing but he was sure if he had, he wouldn't have understood anything at all. Definitely not his field of interest. 

Lily Evans had taken the seat furthest away form James Potter. She,too,was attempting to study but wasn't very successful as she was chatting with Alice. 

„Oi, Prongs! Peters cheating again" Remus was glancing at the chess figures remaining on the board as Sirius addresses James. Sirius's figures were the white ones, obviously. The boy did everything in his might to detach himself from his family name, it was even happening subconsciously now. He really is horrible at chess.

James reluctantly tore away from his conversation with Marlene. „Mate, face it. You're ruddy terrible at this game. Peter's right it doesn't take much to beat yah " he snickered. 

„I don't think you got the memo yet, my dear Prongsie. I'm not bad at anything." 

Remus snorted. For once, Sirius was terrible at modesty.   
„Bloody hell Moony, what's that supposed to mean" 

„ Oh nothing. Don't worry. It causes wrinkles" 

But despite thinking very hard Remus couldn't think of a thing besides board games that Sirius was bad at. He picked up on things pretty quickly. Remus had started teaching Sirius how to play the guitar over the summer. He had a couple lessons when he was a kid but never developed a passion for the instrument. Sirius had shown so much more dedication, that Remus soon ran out of things he could teach him anymore.   
So Sirius learned more on his own and became really good. 

Remus would ever forget the look on Sirius face when Remus suggested that Sirius could just keep Remus's guitar. He never played anyways and Sirius clearly put it to more use that him. And also Remus liked nothing more than making Sirius happy. So gifting his friend the guitar was bringing him as much joy as it did Sirius. 

Later that evening only Remus and Sirius remained in the common room. Remus was still studying. They had an essay about the goblin wars due in two weeks for Professor Binns. Sirius had fallen asleep on the floor and Remus had found his attention drifting off to the sleeping boy more than one time. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. 

When Sirius's eyes twitched and he slowly awoke from his nap, Remus's eyes darted to his book in record speed. He pretended his mind was only occupied by the goblin wars. 

„ Blimey, Rem. You're still up" Sirius had a red patch on his cheek from where he fell asleep on his hand.

„Yeah, well I'm really behind on this essay we have to do for Binns. I only have two weeks left and I've bearly finished my research." Sirius rolled his eyes but still smiled. „Well I'm headed to bed. The floor isn't as comfortable as it looks. Are you coming with?"  
Sirius still asked but he already knew the answer. 

„I'm gonna stay down here and do some more work. Have a good night though" 

After Sirius was gone Remus could fully concentrate on his work and resumed to do some more research for his essay (and Sirius's, and Jame's because they would copy it anyway). It was late so Remus was quite surprised to hear footsteps on the staircase again. He was even more surprised when it was a very sleepy Sirius Black with a blanket who came down the stairs and his heart couldn't help but flutter. 

Sirius wrapped the Gryffindor-red blanket around Remus, handed him a bar of Chocolate and simply said „ Don't forget to sleep, you nerd". He was gone as quickly as he came and was back up in their dormitory again before Remus could say anything. 

It was those little things, Remus thought, that made him love Sirius so damn much. He made Remus feel seen, accepted and cared for. 

————- —- — -

The next morning, Remus woke up groggy and stiff. The full moon was approaching fast and his body did not hesitate to remind him of that.   
The hours of sleep he got,- or rather didn't get, played a role as well. 

So at breakfast Remus practically drowned himself in copious amount of coffee. 

„Moony, how can you drink this shit. This is positively disgusting." James looked appalled at the sight of Remus almost chugging his hot coffee. 

„Sod off, Prongs. I need this to keep me alive today" 

„I'm telling you if you don't get enough sleep today I'm gonna have to use more drastic measures" Remus was about to defend himself but James cut him off again. „Don't think I wouldn't nick a sleep draught from Pomfreys and get Padfoot to hold you down whilst I get you to drink it cause I will. Don't underestimate me, Lupin"

„Yes,mum" Remus mumbled defeated as he took another gulp of his coffee. 

„ Jamesie my boy you're completely right as always. About the coffee and the sleep." Sirius took a ginormous bite of his toast and turned to Remus. James didn't hear a word of what his mate was saying, though. He was distracted by Lily Evans entering the Great Hall with Alice and Marlene.   
„ Oh by the way Moons. I need to copy your homework for Divination. Honestly can't put up with that shit its too bloody boring" Not that Sirius would do his homework himself, if the topic would be interesting. 

„Sirius, I told you and James a week ago that you can't copy mine this time. It's the interpretation of your dream journal. And you can't get away with saying you have the same the same dreams as me . Professor Dashkov isn't that clueless" 

„I did it already. Peter helped me" James announced proudly and resumed staring at a the redheaded Gryffindor prefect. 

„Alright, fucking hell, I'll do them myself. Are you going to the library then? I'll join you" Remus looked at Sirius for a couple moments, stunned. Sirius Black in the library. He had dreamed of this moment for years. 

„Just let me know I gathered that correctly. You. Sirius Orion Black want to go to the library. Voluntarily ,without me having to drag you there." 

„Have even ever been in the library before" Peter added shoving scrambled eggs in his mouth. 

„Fuck off, the both of you." A grin creeped over Sirius's face. „ Besides I haven't watched you in your natural habitat yet, Moony"  
——— —- — -  
„Okay do you remember what you dreamed last night. Maybe I can help you find some meaning behind it." 

They've been in the library for quite a bit now, Remus still working on his goblin wars essay and Sirius doing whatever to occupy himself until Remus could assists him with his homework. The boys chose Remus's favourite table at a closed off corner behind the Transfiguration section. 

It was indeed a quite strange sight, seeing Sirius in the library. Since Peter brought it up Remus thought about it and he came to the conclusion, that in fact he had never seen Sirius Black set foot in the library. 

„Oh my dearest Moony. I do remember, you see. But I fear your innocent an pure mind would be terribly corrupted after I tell you about it." answered Sirius grinning at Remus. 

Remus could feel a knot form in his stomach, he was way too familiar with. Who did Sirius dream about. Not that Remus had any claim on Sirius but he couldn't help feeling off whenever he pictured Sirius with someone else. Like a deep dark hole opened within his chest slowly consuming him from within.   
He had thought it through more times that he could count. Even if Sirius would be gay, which he made very clear he was not on multiple occasions, he wouldn't be interested in Remus. It was a heartbreaking revelation but since accepting it, Remus had it easier just crushing in silence without hoping anything. 

What Sirius didn't mention about this dream though is that it was about a certain chocolate-obsessed, green-eyed werewolf.


	3. You know I've got a thing for arses

It was the day of the full moon.

Remus's joints had been aching terribly all week and it took a lot of strength to get out of bed this morning.  
Luckily the full moon fell on a Sunday so that he had all day to remain in bed and not move a single muscle.

The rest of the Marauders were already quite familiar with Remus's mood right before the full moon and were doing the most so the boy could be comfortable.

Peter went down to the kitchens and got some food, since Remus wasn't in the shape to attend breakfast. James had to quite literally force the food down Remus's throat because he lost all his appetite before a full moon.

Sirius put some of his more calmer records on his record player for Remus whilst they were gone, knowing it distracted him from the pain. Remus's favourites around that time were Cat Stevens and the Beatles. It brought Sirius a ridiculous amount of joy playing Moonshadow by Cat Stevens for Moony. Wolf jokes were Sirius's favorite sort of humor.

„Merlin, Padfoot. That is absolutely hilarious. That joke is not at all as old as Dumbledore himself." said Remus flatly in response to the song.

„You'd think your sarcasm would leave you when you're feeling under the weather like that."

„Never."  
——— —- — -  
It had been a particularly bad moon. Remus didn't hurt anybody, which was his worst fear. But Padfoot couldn't stop the werewolf from hurting himself .

A new cut was gaping on his chest as Remus awoke feeling stiff and sore the next morning.

James had attempted to bandage the cut but didn't do the best job at it. He could always go to the hospital wing but Remus tended to stay away from that place as long as it wasn't completely necessary. Madam Pomfrey always refrained from asking questions but Remus could see the way she looked at him whenever he showed up in the hospital wing with a particularly nasty new wound.

There wasn't even much there was to do for her anyways. Werewolf wounds needed to be cured the muggle way. Besides, when he was in the hospital wing he was always forced to stay longer than he wanted. Madam Pomfrey was a quite reluctant woman and would not let him leave under any circumstances. This way he could still attend class, even when he was in pain. Today there was no way he would be able to, though.

„Guys, i reckon its best if you go on ahead without me. I don't think I'll be able to go to class today" Remus suggested trying to sit up. A stabbing pain shot through his abdomen and he quickly stopped his effort, sinking into the moth- eaten pillows they had positioned on the ground of the shreaking shack for him.

„ No bloody way. We can stay with you Moony and skivve of class aswell" Remus knew James meant it. But still...  
„Yeah, totally!"said Peter in agreement. He usually agreed with anything the others wanted to do.

Remus couldn't, in good conscience, let all his friends miss class for him. It already was too much that they stayed with him during the full moon. He would be forever grateful but he also always felt so guilty that they endangered themselves once a month just for his wellbeing.

„No,you guys go. Really. I'll be okay, I'm just going to rest here a bit and then go up to the castle." Remus finally succeeded in sitting his body up in a straight position. „And besides, someone has to take notes for me and feed the professors some ridiculous lie about where I'm at. I trust you lot will do a good job with that."  
But in reality Remus didn't want to be alone. He just didn't want to feel like a burden anymore that he already did.

The three of them, well actually just James and Sirius, protested for bit but them reasoned themselves. Remus was right someone had to take notes.

As they left Sirius took one last look at Remus face. He put on a slight smile when he was saying goodbye to his friends but Sirius could just catch the smile melting off his face as soon as they turned to go.

The entire way up hill to the castle Remus's frown couldn't leaves Sirius's mind. He couldn't bare Moony being alone when he was in pain. If it were the other way around Sirius wouldn't want to be alone.

„You guys go ahead, I think im going to go back to Moony. He still had some pretty bad wounds and I ..." He didn't finish his sentence but instead turned around on the spot and ran downhill in the direction of the whomping willow before the two Marauders could say anything.

„MoonMoon, your hero has returned to tend to your wounds. Do not worry that pretty little head of yours, you're in good hands now." Sirius sing-songed as he entered the shack.

Why did he come back?  
„Quit calling me MoonMoon" Remus complained hoarsely but couldn't have been happier that one of the boys returned, feeling especially lucky because it was Sirius.

„Why are you back though? I told you guys I'm gonna be fine and especially you can't afford skivving off class."

„I couldn't leave you alone like this. And fuck class anyway. I'll gladly get detention, I don't give a rats ass." Sirius sounded so convinced that Remus almost stopped worrying. He watched him get the sparse first aid kit that the marauders gathered by raiding Madam Pomfreys stach.

„Oi, leave Peter's arse out of this" Remus snickered but immediately flinched. The new slash on his chest was causing him a lot of trouble.

„You know I've got a thing for arses Moony. Come on I'll put a new bandage on your wound. James did a ruddy job at it. The bloke never learns." Sirius rolled his eyes and slowly loosened the old bandage on Remus's chest. Despite the pain the wound was causing him, Remus felt like a million butterflies were set free in his stomach. Stop pining you, bloody git. Remus needed to stop himself before things were irrevocably ruined.

They barely talked whilst Sirius was carefully tending to Remus's wound. The boys locked eyes every now and then, holding it until, usually Sirius, broke the eye contact and made some stupid joke. You could cut the air with a knife.

„Mind if I sleep? I know you came down here just to keep me company but I'm still exhausted from the night." Again Remus felt guilty. A feeling the boy knew too well at that point.  
„Merlin Remmy, you're a genius." Sirius grinned and layed down beside him on the makeshift bed out of pillows and blankets. „ I could use some sleep for myself."

No: I totally understand. Do whatever makes you comfortable, I can't imagine what you must be going though. Or :Of course don't worry about that. I'm just going to leave you you're space as most people, other than Sirius Black would have said. Remus loved his friends he really did. And comforting words like these, mostly coming from Lily or James were appreciated, they were, really. But blimey, Sirius Black made him feel so normal. Not like fragile or pitiful.

So the two boys slowly dozed off on the floor in the shrieking shack. Legs tangled. Arms around each other. Faces close together.

Full moons often ended with Remus and Sirius cuddling. The cuddling only seemed to be appropriate in the shrieking shack, because once the boys stepped into Hogwarts that seemed to be off limits. As if there was an invisible barrier between Hogwarts and the shrieking shack that ended the cuddle zone where two best friends, who were totally not crushing on each other, could cuddle without making anything complicated or weird.

Remus told himself it didn't mean anything because Sirius was just a concerned friend wanting to comfort him. Sirius was handsy with everyone. And Remus was sure James or Peter would do the same thing for him. Although he did feel quite awkward thinking about lying this close with either of them.

Sirius told himself it was the comfort Remus needed and secretly he did too. It wasn't his fault that his fear of physical contact seemed to vanish when it came to Remus Lupin. Even with James the closest they ever got was a brotherly hug.  
It was entirely Remus's fault that whenever Remus said or did anything all Sirius wanted to do is hug him. But he was positive that everyone else who knew Remus John Lupin has the same experience. It was a thing he collectively did to people. Besides I'm sure as hell not gay so why would it mean anything.

„Hey Moony. I think we should go up to the dorm. You'll be more comfortable in a real bed I reckon."

I won't be as comfortable anywhere as I am in your arms. „Yeah, you're right. We could also use something to eat. Let's stop at the kitchens whilst we're at it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for any bad grammar and spelling mistakes. Lol I’m German. I’m almost fluent but there are still the occasional mistakes that I don’t see.  
> Also I’m used to Wattpad where the comments are strangely rude about spelling mistakes for some reason.  
> Anyways i hope you enjoy. Comments and Kudos are always greatly appreciated:)


	4. Leather and Smoke

The next day, a Tuesday, started with double potions. They had a free class after that, which James and Sirius usually used to their advantage. The free period proved itself ideal to prepare pranks, since most of the Hogwarts students were in class at that point in time. But they had to get through two hours of potions with the Slytherins and the overly eager Slughorn first. 

James weirdly was a morning person, you actually had to actively try to catch him without a grin in his face. Remus admired that a lot because he could be quite short tempered, once provoked. He suspected is had to he tied to his lycanthropy. 

So, Prongs was chatting loudly about anything and everything in the dormitory as Remus, Sirius and Peter were trying to get themselves out of bed. 

James Potter was in fact forced to take drastic measures in order to get Remus to sleep las night. Around the full moon Remus slept basically all day because his body was fatigued by the transformation. But the rest of the month Remus thought of sleep as something optional. 

He broke off a game of exploding snap with Sirius and dragged Remus to bed, threatening to throw out all of Remus' honeydukes chocolate.( MOONY YOU NEED TO SLEEP, THERES ONLY SO MUCH YOUR BODY CAN TAKE! ) Remus obviously fought back, since he still had to catch up on the stuff he missed while he was unable to attend class.(You know I can beat you in a wand and fist fight Potter, I wouldn't even try)   
Sirius and Peter were left hysterically laughing at the endeavour but with Sirius’ help James managed to convince to young werewolf to sleep after all.

In potions, the boys split up into their assigned groups. Slughorn had sorted them into pairs of two a couple weeks ago and assigned them to brew armotentia. The whole class made a total fuss about it. Remus thought it was rather stupid. Because the things you desire and love most should remain private shouldn't they?.

Remus was lucky enough to be paired off with Lily. Despite James' behaviour towards her, she still had quite close friendships to all of the boys especially Remus and Sirius.   
James and Sirius were a team, of course.   
And poor Peter had to work with Barty Crouch Jr., an especially nasty Slytherin that the Marauders found themselves having a row with quite often. 

Nothing topped the rivalry between the Marauders and Severus Snape, though. Remus couldn't quite recall how it started but all he knew is that they were knee deep into a never ending war with Snape. He didn't mind. He wasn't very fond of that bloke anyways, especially because he had quite the reputation of being an arse to Lily. He couldn't accept that twat treating any of his friends badly so despite Remus' aversion to violence, the young werewolf had been in more than one fight with the greasy-haired Slytherin. 

„Hey Lils, how are you doing?" Remus put his book down at the small table in the stuffy and cold potions classroom. The cauldron was already propped up on their table. The two had worked rather quickly and were already quite advanced in the long process of brewing the love potion. He reckoned they would manage to get it done in the two hours that they had in this class. Remus was not particularly keen on smelling the potion however. 

„Oh Remus. Hi!" Lily smiled at him brightly. 

They started on the process once Slughorn greeted everybody and started chatting. Remus always found it easy to talk to Lily. They saw eye to eye on so many topics and he always appreciated Lily's advice, which was always superb. The Marauders had a theory that Lily was a sort of omnipotent goddess. She knew everything and always knew what to do in tricky situations. 

Which Remus especially appreciated because Lily knew about Remus' little, totally harmless crush. She was the only one and Remus would also never have told her on his own, he'd sooner die than tell anyone about it. Lily was just too observant and smart to not pick up on the clues. 

At dinner, five and a half months ago on a Thursday, Lily had witnessed a piece of carrot simply falling out of Remus’ mouth. He wasn't clumsy or had bad eating manners, no. Sirius had put up his hair in a loose bun for the first time, since his black locks had finally reached the length to be able to do so. Remus was blown away and since then preferred Sirius in a bun over anything else. Unfortunately Lily had seen everything and had picked up on other signs as well. 

When she had confronted him about it a couple days after during a study session, Remus almost started to cry. He hadn't admitted his stupid crush to himself quite yet. But there was no point in lying to Lily since the red-head could tell. Always.   
So they had a heart to heart talk, which made Remus feel loads better. Getting the thoughts that constantly occupied his mind off his chest was more relieving than Remus could have ever imagined. At that moment it felt like Remus had been carrying something heavy with him for all these months and Lily had helped him carry it. The burden was still there but not as heavy anymore. Lily made it lighter.   
——- —- — -   
„What do you reckon you'll smell mate" James inquired whist he was aggressively cutting up some dried Mandrake roots. 

„You mean if we actually manage to brew this stupid bloody potion." Sirius replied grimly. He had to start over with dicing rose petals for the third time now because, according to Slughorn, he didn't do it with enough passion. „ But I literally have no idea. Not in the slightest. Cigarettes maybe although that would be bloody depressing..." 

„I'm gonna smell Lillies." James looked over to Lily and Remus' table and started to stare at the feisty red-head. 

„I think, I just threw up in my mouth" 

Sirius wanted to find somebody who he liked so much that he smelled in the potion. He desperately did. All he wanted is someone to cuddle at night and pass ridiculous notes in class with and hold hands with in the halls. Maybe even get in a snog in the broom-closet but that didn't even matter to him. All he wanted is a person who was there. But he never would admit that out loud because that's not very punk rock. 

All the girls he had ever met or been on a date with were rather mediocre at best. He had never really felt anything. Sirius had often worried if something was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he juts fall in love? Was he broken?. He had met plenty of pretty girls who ,as a bonus, were also interested in him. But Sirius couldn't even force himself to fancy one of them. He sure as hell had tried. 

He just figured he hadn't found the right girl yet.   
——- —- — -   
„You two have done an impeccable job. This is a flawlessly executed love-potion. Fifteen points to Gryffindor." Slughorn beamed proudly and probably thought about ways he could brag to the other teachers about the achievement of two of his best students.   
„I'll leave you to it, I bet you want to give it a sniff."

„I'm rather curious how it'll smell like, aren't you Rey?" Lily smiled expectantly at Remus. He stiffened and smiled at her wearily. 

No.

„Oh Remus, relax would you. It's supposed to smell like the things you like most. This should be pleasant." She said kindly and leaned in closer to Remus. Her voice dropped to a whisper.   
„Even if it smells like him. It just means you like the smell, nothing more." She gave him an encouraging nod. 

Remus leaned over the cauldron to smell the potion. 

The first scent he picked up was Chocolate. He couldn't help but smile a little. Secondly the familiar smell of old book pages mixed in with the Chocolate smell. 

Then, quite potent, Remus smiled a combination of Leather and Smoke. And something more sweet, almost flowery. His heart made a flip. 

He didn't really expect something different. But it still made him feel weird. On the one side he felt his heart swell at the pleasant smell of Sirius Back but on the other side it made him frustrated. Again, he didn't want to be in love with his best friend. And now that the amortentia confirmed it there wasn't really much to do. Not that there was before. Remus already had it pretty badly.

He leaned back in his chair and let out a frustrated groan. Lily didn't say anything and simply took his hand and squeezed it slightly. 

She leaned over the cauldron herself and took a deep breath. Lily didn't get to tell him what the potion smelled like for her though because a very loud James Potter and Sirius Black decided to join them once Slughorn turned his back to the class talking to Snape about some other, more advanced potion. 

„Evans, love. You probably smell me don't ya.!" Exclaimed James as he swung his chair next to Lily's. 

„Leave me alone, Potter. I wouldn't tell you anyways." 

Remus watched the pair bicker for a couple minutes more (Always a reliable source of entertainment) as Sirius asked him „Moons, what do you smell?" Remus would rather not tell. 

„Chocolate" He simply said looking down. 

„Didn't expect anything different, you addict." Sirius guffawed but once he took a whiff of the potion himself he stopped laughing. 

Me too, Sirius thought. Weird. The chocolate smell was only very faint amongst the smell of the Potters house and campfire that reminded him of summer. But it was still distinguishable. But everybody likes chocolate, don’t they.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t not include an amortentia scene could I....  
> I hope everybody had an amazing start to 2021 :) Thanks for reading!


	5. A Squib or a true Gryffindor?

After potions the rest of the Marauders stayed to wait up for Peter. They pitied him for having to work with Crouch but most of the lesson they had simply forgotten about him. 

Peter rushed out of the classroom and walked straight past them. Remus could swear heard a sniff coming from the boy.

The remaining boys looked at each other confusedly and started their way up the grande staircase after Peter. This was very unusual behaviour for Peter since he usually always tagged along with the others, so Remus immediately knew something was wrong. 

„I bet you, the stupid twat said something to him" he gritted through his teeth. The others grimly nodded. 

—— —- — -   
James and Remus found Peter up in their Dormitory. (Sirius had ventured off to the kitchens to acquire some snacks. They figured Peter could use some snacks right about now). The boy had covered himself with his scarlet- red blankets and Remus could make out the inconsistent breathing and sobbing of the lump under the bedsheets. 

„ He called me a Squib." Peter said quietly through his sobs.

His heart ached for his friend. He had been there, a target for mocking and poking fun. Especially Severus Snape and his friends, if you could call them that, had mocked him in the past for his dingy clothes and scars in his face. It didn't bother him. It never did. Because Remus quickly realised that the only opinions that matter are from the people who mean most to you, but a boy as insecure and self-conscious as Peter was easily affected by the harsh words. 

This was the thing you could hurt Peter the most with, Remus knew, they all knew. Sirius had once said it to him and Peter totally broke down.   
Sirius didn't really mean it and apologised after. He never really means anything he says in a fight, that was a thing you learned when you have known the black haired boy for a while. But his hot-headedness and his lack of the ability to think before saying something usually came in the way. 

Peter was not as talented as the rest of the marauders, to put it simply. 

James and Sirius usually didn't study but aced all the classes anyways. Remus often thought that if they would study they would easily best him and Lily. Especially Sirius. At his first years in Hogwarts he was at the top of all the classes but soon decided that studying wasn't cool and it would piss off his parents much more if he got worse marks.

Remus was not as academically gifted as many people would have thought. In his second year he came to the painful realisation that werewolves didn't have it exactly easy in the wizarding world. He was incredibly lucky Dumbledore even tolerated him at his school. So Remus was eternally grateful for the opportunities he was given and decided to make something of them. It just happened that on the way he came to enjoy filling his mind with new and fascinating things and developed an interest for all things academic. 

But Peter was different, in that respect as in many others. He was a rather clumsy boy who struggled to tag along with the others (although they always made an effort to include him as best as they could). 

„Pete, mate you know that Crouch is an absolute git. You're brilliant" voiced James softly as he hurried towards Peters bed to protectively lay an arm about him.   
Peter simply sobbed. 

„Wormtail he's right. You know they'll say anything to hurt you. I'm thoroughly convinced that it's to compensate for their own lack of confidence. Don't ever let those stupid motherfuckers tell you anything, I swear." Remus backed James up and sat himself down on Peters bed as well. 

Right as James and Remus were in the middle of comforting Peter, reminding him of all the smart things he'd done (He did manage to become an Animagus after all) Sirius bursted through the door and stood in the middle of their dormitory. 

His nostrils were flared, he clenched the chocolate frogs in his hands tight and Remus could see the fury in his eyes. But although Sirius was clearly pissed off, Remus could still detect the mischief in them. Sirius clearly had a plan. 

„I'm gonna avenge you, Pete"

It was typical. James and Remus were there for the kind comforting words and to cheer up Peter. Sirius was good at that too, especially with Remus and James (Peters and his relationship has always been close but still quite rocky). But Sirius Black spoke in actions, not in words. He had a plan for anything. 

This was another aspect in which Remus and Sirius were complete opposites. Remus was all words and thoughts but was hesitant to act. He preferred to think things through and solve Problems with words and logic.   
Sirius often acted before thinking and talking about it first. 

But as different as they were from each other, it still worked. They formed some sort of indestructible team when they worked closely together. Like those trees that grew into each other, Remus often thought.

——- — — -  
The friends spent their evening talking and joking around in their dormitory. 

Sirius whipped out some leftover fire whiskey and they passed the almost empty bottle around, each Marauder taking a few sips. They had to take it easy on school nights. They were not proud of the many times they had to attend classes in the morning nursing a giant hangover, well maybe James and Sirius were but Remus sure as hell wasn't.   
Remus even found some animal crackers they had bought at honeydukes on their last trip to Hogsmeade. 

Peter, who was significantly more cheerful now, took a bite of the cracker. For a moment the room was silent in anticipation. Then Peter let out a loud roar, so loud the boys could feel it tremble in their bones. 

„A TRUE GRYFFINDOR!!" James shouted jumping on his bed. Peter looked quite pleased with himself. 

„GUYS!" Sirius jumped on his bed as well, looking at his friends with determination in his eyes." This is serious business. I have never been as serious as I am right now. This is as serious as it gets." He held his arms far from him in an anticipating manner. 

„Mate where are you going with this?" said Prongs as he the last sip of the bottle of Firewhiskey.

„We all agree we need to pull a prank on those rank Slytherins for Peter, yeah?" All three boys nodded eagerly in agreement. „ Well I had a couple of ideas, but they need some fine tuning." 

„We could always just flood their common room by destroying the windows there that lead into the black lake.." Remus thought out loud. 

James threw himself backwards on the bed laughing and Peter held his stomach letting out small giggles. Sirius threw his hands in the air and exclaimed „ Merlin, Moons, calm your tits. Although I'm all for crime, i doubt we'll get away with killing all the Slytherins. Ol' Minnie McG wouldn't be happy with that one." As he calmed himself down from laughing, he added ,"I was more thinking of hexing their entrance so that they can't go in and out of their common room or something, Jesus." 

The rest of the evening was filled with more animal crackers, laughter and hatching out plans. It was evenings as simple as this, they would look back on as adults, cherishing a simpler time with the Slytherins being their biggest worries.


	6. A great deal of wingmanning

Sirius walked casually out of McGonagall's office and turned sharply around the corner into an empty corridor. A few weeks had passed and the prank had gone brilliantly. When you chose to overlook that Sirius had gotten a detention from a very angry but still amused McGonagall. 

James luckily got out of detention because he, as team captain, needed to be present at this weeks practice. It was only a 5 days before the match against Ravenclaw and McGonagall always had a soft spot for her Gryffindor Quidditch team. Remus and Peter had kept themselves in the background and did not get busted. Sirius however did. And he gladly took the blame, always eager to protect his friends. 

And at this point in his school career Sirius had fully accepted that detentions were part of it. He didn't mind, really. Especially the detentions with Minnie were always a blast. Unless it was around the full moon, where Sirius was at his best behaviour because he didn't want to risk being assigned a detention, he attended his them dutifully. 

Remus, James, Peter, Lily and Marlene ran into Sirius right then and there when they were on their way from the Gryffindor common room to dinner in the great hall. 

„Prongs, my man" Sirius approached James to do the ridiculously intricate handshake both boys had made up in second year. Sometimes they let Peter into it as well. Sirius had spent a good portion of January in their second year trying to convince Moony to learn it („Come one Moony, it'll be like our totally cool secret club-handshake. All the others will be totally jealous that they don't know it“) But Remus had refused and opted to occasionally make fun of it instead.(„It looks like you're having a fucking seizure“) 

As the group ventured closer towards the great hall, Sirius pulled Remus aside and informed the others, „ You guys go ahead, we'll catch up. I need a word with my Moons here." Despite himself. Remus's stomach made a flip. 

„What the in the bloody hell do you want, Padfoot." said Remus not knowing wether to be amused or scared. 

„ I need you to be my co-wingman, Moony" 

„You're just full of plans aren't you? Sure, who are we playing wingman for then?" At this point in his life, Remus stopped questioning his friends's stupid plans and just went along with them. It had shown itself to me much more effective that resisting and being convinced to participate anyways. 

„I dunno everyone I guess" said Sirius and his eyes were full of anticipation. Like a over-exited dog, thought Remus.   
„But our first victim will me Prongs for sure. We'll be wingmanning for that old bloke" 

„I don't think wingmanning is a a verb, mate" 

„ Ah fuck it, it sounds fun" Sirius grabbed the taller boy by both shoulders and looked up to him. „I need you to talk to Evans to me" 

„Hell no, Pads. If this is another pathetic try at getting Lily to agree to go out with Prongs, then I'm out." he turns to go but Sirius still had a hold of his shoulders and pulls Remus back. 

„Okay listen. This is the last chance. If Evans says no one more time, I will get James another date for this Hogameade weekend. He is so bloody in love with her that I owe it to him as a best mate to make sure there is no possible way she would say yes. But blimey I can't see him suffer like that and not do anything about that, can I Moons? Nobody deserves to pine like that without actually having any chance at all. He needs to find someone else and more on.“

Wonder what's that like, Remus muttered under his breath. 

„Come again?" 

Fuck. He cleared his through. „Nothing" uttered Remus," You're a good mate Sirius, I see where you're coming from. Why don't you try talking to her yourself. I reckon you can be a bit more convincing" 

„We don't wanna force the poor girl to date him, god Moony. And besides, you know how annoying I can get when I try to convince somebody to do something. I reckon your wise words of wisdom are needed for this kind of situation." 

„Okay sure. Consider it done" 

„You're bleeding amazing you know that" said Sirius, throwing his arm around Remus's shoulders as they made their way towards the great hall. 

„I know a lot of things" Remus grinned sarcastically. Sirius couldn't help but smirk. He loved sarcastic Remus. 

„So you'll get Prongs to go on a date with somebody else than Lily freaking Evans, huh?" Remus casually added. 

„You underestimate the power I have over that boy, my friend. Also on a more serious note (Sirius smirked, he had purposefully chose that word) he needs to move on. That one deserves to like somebody that actually likes him back. And he's got a line of girls that would be dying to go out with him. The boy has the potential for a total player." 

„Yeah, you might be right..." Said Remus quietly, projecting Sirius's words on himself.  
—— —— — -   
Remus managed to talk to Lily a couple days after his conversation with Sirius. The more he thought about it, the more sense Sirius's plan made. James deserved someone he could dedicate all this love to. Remus sweared James Potter had endless love to give and give it he did. Mostly to the Marauders but also to everyone at Hogwarts who was deserving of it.(You wouldn't catch James being nice to Severus Snape in a million years.) 

The Problem was that James directed all the romantic feelings he had towards Lily and besides being filled affectionate and loving, James was maybe the most headstrong person (he couldn't top Sirius though). So Sirius and Remus could be certain the James would not stop his romantic endeavours until he was physically stopped or he would get a date with Lily Evans after all. If his friends wouldn't be happy on their own, Remus had to help them. It was the least he could do.

Maybe the healthy thing to do was to apply Sirius’s plan to himself and let his stupid crush on Sirius go but Remus Lupin did not know a thing about healthy behaviour. 

The perfect opportunity presented itself on a gloomy afternoon, during the Quidditch game. Most students were going ,obviously. The Quidditch games were a welcome distraction from the daily routine that had settled in at Hogwarts. Usually Remus went along as well. He wanted to support his friends. Especially James was a passionate player and captain of the team. Sirius was less eager to play and practice but most people assumed he did it to pull girls, which was most likely true. Lily always stayed thought, so Remus did as well in an attempt to catch her alone. 

It had started as a thing of pure spite. James once let it slide that he hoped that his Quidditch skills would impress Lily. Well the exact words were a little bolder. („Once you see me fly Evans, you can't resist me, you'll see. I made captain just for you") James had bragged before his first game as captain that year. Lily simply didn't go to the game. Later on she insisted that it was the most brilliant time for taking a stroll through the empty castle and catch up on some studying, but Remus knew that it was just to spite James. 

„Remus, what are you doing here, why are you not at the game??" Lily raised a brow as she looked up from her book as Remus joined her in the empty Gryffindor common Room. 

„Had some work to catch up on and thought I'd join you in your strike against Quidditch games and James Potter" He jumped into the couch next to her playfully and unwrapped a chocolate bar he had retrieved from his pocket. Sometimes the chocolate melted in his pockets because he'd simply forget that it had been in there all day. He'd never admit that though and it was not worth giving up the habit because he simply appreciated having chocolate at all times way too much. 

„That would actually be a pretty rad movement, you know. The fight against Quidditch and James Potter." 

„I'm totally in. That git had it coming for a long time now." The chances of James securing a date with Lily were slimming by the second. He had to ask quickly, and even though it was only Lily, anxiety was churning in his stomach. 

„Speaking of James.... I have to ask." 

„Don't you dare Remus Lupin, I'll hex you and you know it." 

„Yeah, but hear me out, Lils. I really have to ask. Is there no way to get you to go out with him. He is a really good guy and I don't want to force you or anything, but I have to ask one last time." 

Lily rolled her eyes but Remus knew she would answer him properly. He could see it in her eyes. She sat the book on her lap down and straightened her back. 

„James Potter has to show me he's a good guy first. He acts like the biggest douche around me. I see him with you guys obviously but he never acts decent around me. I have some self respect."

Remus knew it had no point. If he were Lily he wouldn't go out with James either. They had never properly talked about it, but Remus and especially Sirius knew that James's confidence was a ‚fake it ‚till you make it' type of thing. He got so insecure around Lily that he put on layers upon layers of confidence and pride, so much that the real James got blurry. 

„Lils, you know me and Sirius pretty well. We would never be friends with a douche. I'll vouch for James, he's a great bloke I swear he just gets all up in his head and then he's all weird around you." He signed. „ I totally get why you don't want to go out with him. I really do. But why don't you give it a chance, have you ever considered that he might actually surprise you?" 

„Even if I wanted to go out with Potter, I couldn't because I'm going with Marlene, and Dorcas and the rest of the girls." 

Remus tried a couple more times but the topic seemed to be ended according to Lily. She tried to change the topic and he reluctantly went along with it. 

„I never thought you would miss Sirius on a broom, I'll be honest with you." Remus answered with a groan. Partly it was true because Sirius did look absolutely ravishing when he was playing Quidditch. But that wasn't the point. 

„I'm not that whipped." Remus said more to himself that to Lily. She simply answered by raising her eyebrows. 

„Besides, I'm really just planning to sit this whole thing out, these stupid feeling have to go away eventually. Honestly I have better things to do." 

„Oh, Lupin you're adorable" 

„Bite me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually don’t know whether wingmanning is a proper word or not. OH well...


	7. The true player of the Marauders

After their Quidditch game Sirius cornered Remus all sweaty and flushed. They had won. James caught the snitch in record speed, so fast even, that only three goals could be made in total. Two for Ravenclaw, one for Gryffindor.

It had taken Sirius some effort to spot Remus in the thick crowd of celebrating Gryffindors and make his way over to the corner in which he was hidden with a stray butterbeer in his big hands. When he came close, one shared look was enough. Sirius could tell from Remus's eyes that he hadn't been successful, Remus could tell from Sirius's raised eyebrows what he was inquiring.

„I'll get him a date." uttered Sirius as he casually took a sip of Remus's butterbeer. Remus tried to answer but his effort was cut short by Emmeline Vance who came to congratulate Sirius. She muttered a small greeting to Remus and carried on swooning over Sirius's performance on the broom. He just stood there, absentmindedly listening, pretending to himself that it didn't sting just a little bit. Once she was gone, after what seemed hours, Sirius pulled a face and shot Remus an apologetic look. „Sorry... It's just-„

„You got a lot of fans."

„Yeah, I guess. They can't get enough of this." He gestured towards his body and ran his hands down his chest. Remus rolled his eyes and moved on with the topic.

„I really tried but there was nothing to be done. I guess James has a blind date coming then." Remus looked down at his hands and ten shifted his gaze back to Sirius.

„Honestly, I suspected it but I had to give it one last try. Already got some ladies lined up that are dying to go out with that bleedin idiot, and I also kinda managed Prongs to agree to a date with a girl that isn't Lily Evans but it'll take couple more pep talks I reckon." Sirius seemed to be quite content with his achievements and his new found role as wingman.

„Man Pads, someone should give you a medal for all that community service you're doing." A sly smile crept up on Remus‘s face as he took another gulp of butterbeer.

„I live to serve, my dear Moonbeam. The smile on the faces of the less fortunate is reward enough for me."

„The less fortunate being, people with worse hair than you?"He raised one eyebrow. 

Sirius swung his arm around his taller friend as they returned to the crowd. „You just get me Moony."

—————-

On the day of the Hogmeade visit Sirius and Remus went with both their friends to see them off for the day. After hours of convincing and strategic argumenting Sirius managed to get James to agree to go on a date with the girl Sirius picked out. Sophie Dearborn was a cute, blonde girl from Hufflepuff but despite her appearance,she had a wicked sense of Humor. Even Peter managed to get a date with Mary McDonald, although they tagged along with the rest of the girls from the fifth year.

„They grow up so fast." said Sirius dramatically to Remus next to him as they turned their back to the courtyard, going back inside the castle.

„How come you're not going?" Remus figured in all that fuzz about dates, Sirius would at least arrange himself one.

„Oh, I've been so busy setting up dates that I needed a break. Life as a top notch match maker is quite exhausting. I could set you up too, all I need is a word from you."

Remus stared at Sirius blankly. Did he seem like the dating type?

„Think I'll pass"

„Do you doubt my abilities as a match maker young man?"

„That and also I literally have no urge to go on a first date ever and totally make a fool of myself, thank you very much!" The process of getting to know someone new seemed like torture to Remus. He was positive that he would either be really awkward or the other person would be weird as fuck. The only scenario where he could see himself going on a date was with the boy next to him but he couldn't think about that right now.

„Valid points you make there, Moony. But I've got one counter argument for you: Snogging." Sirius, with his 15 years of age, liked to pretend he was the dating master. But in truth he had been on two dates in total and the only girl he had kissed, remained Olivia Branwell. Which hadn't really been that good, but he sure as hell wouldn't admit that to anyone. Sirius took a lot of pride in the fact that he had snogged a girl before James did and still teased him about it.

„First of all fuck off." Remus smiled politely at Sirius and continued „Secondly, even if I were interested in dating, it would be a lot harder for me that for you lot. I can't just ask out a bloke and then hope for the best. Because I usually could just suspect that he's gay. And if he isn't, the friendship or aquaintance or whatever it is would be ruined cause it's all awkward after."

Sirius looked conflicted. He was about to say something but then stopped himself. Remus was scared he had said too much. He always worried he was saying too much, which is why he often swallowed down the words instead of saying them.

Instead of replying Sirius jumped up and announced,"We should take a walk."

—— —- — -

They entered the Hogwarts grounds, Remus wrapped in two scarves because it was mid-October and the boy was always freezing and Sirius simply in his uniform because he refused to acknowledge the fact that the summer was over. 

The boys walked around for a while talking about nothing and everything. What Sirius really enjoyed about spending time with Remus is that they didn’t always need to talk. There could be silence between them, without it making the atmosphere uncomfortable.

After a while they sat down at the black lake and Sirius immediately pulled out a box of cigarettes he had in his trousers‘ pockets.

He had originally started smoking because he saw all the cool muggle rock-stars do it and he thought it was cool. Also to annoy his mother. But he found himself enjoying it a lot because it calmed down his always racing mind. He couldn't shake the habit once he was back at Hogwarts. James still tried to lecture Sirius out of smoking. He had heard what nasty things cigarettes do to your body and was appalled at how little Sirius was taking care of himself. He had no luck with his efforts. 

„You know these things are rubbish." Remus stared down at Sirius (he was considerably taller) „Give me one"

Sirius smirked and wordlessly handed Remus a cigarette lighting it with his wand. The boys smoked in silence for a while, then...

„How did you know you were gay, Moons" Sirius asked out of the blue.

„Where the fuck is this coming from?" Remus tried to keep it casual but he was sweating profusely.

„The pits of hell, Remmy" Sirius answered sarcastically but then quickly added."I dunno, I'm just making conversation. Besides you're not really out yet and I thought that you probably can't talk about that stuff a lot. So do go ahead and spill."

Remus had to collect himself before answering Sirius. _This totally means nothing._

„Well there was a boy in the house next to the one where I grew up. Connor." Remus cringed at the memory and looked down at Sirius. He looked thoroughly intrigued.

„He was actually my first kiss and-„ uttered Remus but couldn't finish he sentence.

„HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE" Sirius's world had been shattered.

„So you're telling me that you are the first Marauder to get their first kiss" Remus nodded, slightly thrown off.

„All this time. My entire being, is a lie. I can never face anyone again because of the shame I have brought to my name. I always carried the title with much Pride and now you are telling me it actually belongs to you" _Drama queen_

„I mean, I wouldn't technically count it. As I’ve been saying before you interrupted me" Remus stared accusingly at Sirius who was still throwing a fit. „Connor and I hung out quite a lot over the summer last year and I had this totally stupid crush on him. He kissed me, but we were 13 for fucks sakes. It wasn't a proper snog it was merely a peck on the lips. And if you want to be technical he wasn't my first kiss that was Lily Evans in first year."

Sirius looked at Remus utterly stunned.

„I officially give you your rightful crown as the true player of the Marauders"

Remus rolled his eyes and groaned. They were silent for a while until Sirius asked „What was Connor like? He must have been a pretty good guy, if cute little 13-year old Remus fancied him."

„Actually no. He kinda was an obnoxious arsehole" _Apparently I have a type_. „But he was really handsome and could be super sweet. And I guess he was just there. 13-year old Remus digged that"

What Remus decided to leave out is that Connor had looked quite a bit like Sirius at that time. There were similarities in their personalities. A couple months later when Remus discovered the way he felt about Sirius, he realised that is wasn't normal to imagine the face your best friend on the face of the boy who you are kissing. But he sure as hell wouldn't say out loud that 13-year old Remus, and 15-year old Remus at that: would have much rather been kissing him as opposed to stupid Connor from next door.

Sirius did not reply. He was busy imagining an accurate picture of that Connor Bloke in his head. But no matter how his version of Connor looked or acted it felt really really wrong picturing Remus with that guy. He probably had a bad imagination.

They stayed silent again for quite some time. Remus felt at ease. His friend was right, it felt good talking about it to someone. Though he feared he said too much, that was always the case when he talked to Sirius. It was easy. Easier that talking to anyone else even Lily, because he felt like Sirius understood him and accepted him on a level that nobody else did. He shifted his gaze from the water to his friend unusually close to him. The moment their eyes met, a shiver traveled through Remus’s body. They looked at each other for some time, and Remus knew he had to break the eye contact eventually or it would become weird. But he couldn't bring himself to do so. He felt like he was swimming in the light grey that were Sirius eyes, getting lost and slowly loosing grip on reality and his surroundings.

„Do you reckon Dumbledore has ever had Sex?" said Sirius breaking the silence and ripping Remus's eyes from his. He threw his head back guffawing and soon Sirius's barking laugh joined his.

„Pads, you honestly have the weirdest mind"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What up its been a while:)  
> I‘m working on the next chapter and its gonna be a long one


	8. Starman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius turns 16

Several days passed since the Hogsmeade weekend and Sirius's 16th birthday was drawing closer and closer every day. He was significantly older then the others, with Remus's birthday next in March. Peter even, just turned 15 a couple days after they arrived with the Hogwarts express for their fifth year. Sirius assured that nobody forgot even for a second that he was the older one. („Well Prongs in the countless years that I have been blessing this earth with my presence, I have learned many lessons. I'm a wise old man, you should listen to me.")

But with his height of 1,71 cm and slim body, nobody actually acknowledged that he was so much older. Besides he was the one acting like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum half the time, so Remus reckoned he had it coming.

So Remus, James and Peter were in a flurry the day leading up to the big event, organising the whole affair. It had taken a while for Sirius to get used to the idea of birthdays, but when James heard that Sirius had never had a proper birthday party in his life before Hogwarts, he started making sure that November 3rd was the most spectacular day of the year. James's childish excitement over birthdays had sprung over to Sirius after his first real birthday party.

Now Sirius loved birthdays, he loved the cake, he loved the attention, he loved the presents and most importantly of all he loved celebrating with his friends. What Sirius loved more that his own birthday though was his friends birthdays and he made sure everyone spent their birthday feeling special and celebrated.

It would be the party of the year, Remus was sure. They got insane amounts of food from the kitchens and alcohol that James and Remus acquired on a late night trip under the invisibility cloak to Hogmeade through one of the tunnels marked on the Marauders Map.

Everybody was invited. Not everybody but at a certain point nobody could recollect who was coming, but it seemed like hundreds. At one point they worried the Gryffindor Common room would not hold the mass of people that were attending the festivities. Sirius would love that of course, since he was very much a people person, which Remus often admired because he was very much not.

Far too early in the morning James woke Peter and Remus up by (and this was his absolute favourite way of waking up someone quietly, he discovered it in second year and still found it absolutely hilarious) covering their nose and mouth with his giants hands until they woke up with the shock of almost suffocating . This earned James a slap on the back of his head by Remus.

„What the fuck Prongs, it's the crack of dawn." he whispered as he sat up in his bed and stretched out his arms and legs.

„We have serious business to attend to. Pun intended." James jumped up from Remus's bed and ventured over to Peter, grabbing him by the shoulders, jumping up and down. „The preparations begin now, lads" he meant to whisper but it came out in more of an aggressive whisper. Remus quickly put a silencing charm on them just incase Sirius would wake from the birthday preparations.

When Sirius woke up, all of them stood around his bed and shouted „HAPPY BIRTHDAY". They had covered his sleeping body in confetti and Peter promptly put a red cone-shaped party hat on Sirius's head. The grin on the birthday-boys face spread from one ear to another.

„You even got old granny Rem to wear a party hat." Sirius said with astonishment when he had put on his school uniform (not properly of course)

„Yeah he even made a big fuss about it, but we bribed him with chocolate." said Peter grinning. When Remus tried to protest, Sirius shook his head and grabbed his shoulders.

„It's my birthday ,you can't argue." Remus shot him a sly sarcastic smile and rolled his eyes.

James had made the executive decision to give Sirius his present even before breakfast. Remus still hadn't had his early morning coffee (well coffees to be exact) and he could feel his stomach churning with anxiety at the though of Sirius opening his present and not liking it. Although he had been certain that it'd be the perfect present for Sirius when buying it in the Summer at a small muggle shop in his town, now he was questioning his decision. James had gone all out and bought Sirius a new guitar. Remus knew Sirius would simply adore that present, Remus's old guitar that Sirius had been playing was not sufficient anymore and judging by the time Sirius spent absentmindedly strumming the guitar strings, a new one was duly in order. It would take a lot from Sirius to actually accept the gift though, Remus thought. He was not used to people spending money on him at all and a guitar was quite expensive. But if James Potter was anything, he was rich. And also Peter had contributed some galleons as well.

Remus was also supposed to chime in with some money. James had assured him that it didn't matter how much he gave him for the present since he got the finance part pretty much covered but it felt wrong to Remus saying the present was from him too when he didn't nearly pay as much as the others. He and his family had always struggled with money and he had grown accustomed abstain from a lavish lifestyle. He didn't want to be some sort of charity case, Remus already felt like a burden to everyone of his friends because of his furry-little-problem and his other general heath issues. He was perfectly fine on his own.

So, he had sloppily wrapped „The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and Spiders from Mars" in wrapping paper decorated with unicorns(His mum had it left over and he was slightly embarrassed, but he needed to work with whatever he got), wishing he could give Sirius the world but only being able to add a record to the boy's ever growing collection.

Sirius jumped up and down excitedly as Prongs and Wormtail handed him the guitar (no point in wrapping it, when it stays shaped like a guitar anyways). He pulled all of them in a tight hug and Remus swore he could detect tears in his eyes.

„Guys this is way too much, as fucking insane as it is ,I can't accept this." And so it began.

„Nope, we ain't doing this whole thing this time. I refuse. You're my brother and it's your birthday, so I can politely say ask you to shut the fuck up and take the gift, you know you want to." James said, looking over to Remus as a queue for him to give Sirius his gift.

At that point anxiety took over and instead of giving Sirius his gift he simply said in a rushed tone, „ If we don't go now, we'll miss breakfast. I'll give Pads his gift later before the party..." Sirius merely shrugged and the four of them left the dorm heading to the great hall (with their party hats on, of course because they had to sustain the party spirit)

——— —— —- - 

By the time their classes had ended, Sirius was giddy with excitement for the upcoming evening. James had assured his friend multiple times that the party would indeed be awesome.(„Is it so awesome that in 30 years we'll still remember that party and think to ourselves ‚man that party sure was awesome'")

It was Remus's duty to keep Sirius company whilst James and Peter as well as Marlene, Lily and some of the other girls prepared the common room for the evening. They played a muggle card game, called UNO that Remus had gotten from Lily his last birthday, but the way the Marauders played it was slightly different from the rules (only slightly). Basically they had gone rouge and abandoned all rules the game had and simply slapped any card on the stack that fit. And instead of calling Uno they, shouted TITS whenever somebody won. When asked, Remus would convince anybody that Sirius had come up with the new name but in truth is was a completely sloshed Remus (who thought it was hilarious). It sort of stuck.

Looking up from the single card in his hand, Sirius catchend Remus's eye.

„You still have to give me my present." he said as a cheeky smile lighted up his face. „Oh and tits by the way."

„Me too." retorted Remus as he placed his second to last card on the stack. „You'll get your present, once I beat you Pads."

„Come ONNNN Moons, even on my birthday you can't let me win." he exclaimed and muttered something like „unacceptable" as he drew a new card. Looking persistently at Sirius, Remus placed his last card the stack placed on the bed before them, a crooked smile creeping up his face. „Tits." he said briskly, now broadly smiling at his friend. Said friend simply lifted his middle finger.

„Give me my present Lupin and then I might forgive you for beating me at this stupid game." he smiled bitterly. God, Sirius was such a sore looser.

„Now, it isn't anything amazing. I tried to get a summer job but that didn't work so I had limited resources." said Remus as he retrieved the present from under his bed. He bitterly saw that is was still very much pink, glittery and covered in Unicorns; he gulped.

„You know I don't care about that. It means everything that you even got me a gift, you didn't have to." His smiled turned a little bit warmer, but lit up as he saw the wrapping paper. „Why, Remmy this is simply fabulous." he exclaimed in a high-pitched posh accent.

„Just open it you ,twat." Remus could feel his cheeks getting hot.

As Sirius tore the wrapping paper, Remus could see his face light up with recognition as he saw the album cover. Relief surged though his body as Sirius beamed up at him.

„Re, this is perfect! I listened to this at my cousin Andromeda's place, it's amazing. My favourite was probably—„

„Starman." said both boys at the same time and chuckled.

„Yeah, Mine too...It -It sorta reminded me of y-you." Remus was definitely blushing now and he tried to suppress his smile. „That's why I got it. Y'know cause of your name it... it kinda fits and-„ He definitely should stop talking now or else he would say too much.

Sirius took his shoulder and smiled kindly up at him. „It's perfect." he said assertedly and Remus could feel his entire body tingeling.

—— —- —

Most of the evening was blurred together in a hazy whirl of music and alcohol. Remus could, years later, only recall 5 events that happened very clearly.

Peter made friends with some Hufflepuffs. Which was a good thing, that was until one of them offered Peter a Pumpkin pasty. One of the things you had to know about Peter was one: he would never say no to free food; two: he wasn't very eager to step out of his, ever so small comfort zone. So Peter would never have gotten as high as he was, if he had known about the contents of the pasty. Yet here he was, giggling, standing on top of the ottoman in the midst of the Gryffindor common room, telling Remus about all the funky shaped lady floating around in the room. It had been quite entertaining at first, but after a drunk James had to stop Peter from waking McGonagall from her sleep and telling her about the bag of Bertie Botts Beans he downed whilst all of the common room cheered him on.

James wanted to play spin the bottle. A terrible idea if you asked Remus. Pretending you didn't want the bottle to land on the guys rather than the girls did ruin the fun a bit. Also the general idea of the game just didn't appeal to him.(If he wanted to kiss somebody he could do that on his own time, thank you very much. No need to make a stupid party game out of it) James and Sirius on the other hand were already past tipsy at that point and thought the idea was one of the best they ever had. Remus couldn't help but noticing James's fixture on Lily whilst working on the details with Sirius, although his new date was right next to him.

The date had apparently been successful and James spent a lot of time with Sophie Dearborn. Remus was sure James still had the same obsession with Lily though, but at least he was trying to move forward.

He had caught Lily looking bitterly at James and Sophie however. 

Spin the bottle had become a whole thing that evening. James and Sirius spent a good portion of the evening trying to convince people to join in, a few had agreed but the most important people didn't. Lily didn't want to, so James also didn't anymore. Because James didn't participate Sophie also backed out. And when Sirius said that now he didn't want to do it either, basically all of the female participants said they were no longer interested in the game.

Now Remus wouldn't have minded, if he had to kiss Sirius, although it would have been quite difficult to act like he the kiss would mean anything. So instead he ventured over to the table and grabbed himself another drink.

Around half way through the evening Sirius was already pissed. He was dancing on a table, shouting along with the lyrics of some Muggle song. He looked beautiful. Like Sirius was meant to dance and sing and live life to it’s fullest. His long hair flowed around his face, wich was considerably flushed from the alcohol at that point.

Remus stood across the room, mesmerised by Sirius, just staring at him as Dorcas approached him. She placed another drink in Remus's empty hands and followed his gaze to Sirius dancing on the table. When he finally managed to avert his eyes from Sirius. He immediately noticed Dorcas's hair. She had coloured her curly hair a bright pink colour, clashing perfectly with the yellow of her Hufflepuff tie. She beamed up at him.

„Your hair looks bloody cool Dorcas." said Remus.

„Thanks, I finally learned the spell for it. I can do whatever colour I want now, Nothing can stop me" she answered with a devilish grin.

„Oh, don't tell Sirius about it I beg you. He would have a new colour every day, probably would have all of them at once to be honest."

„I think Sirius would rock rainbow hair." She simply looked at him with mischief in her eyes and turned away to go talk to Marlene.

Remus was a bit too drunk to think about what she has said.

Later Sirius pulled Remus with him on the table. He took Remus's hands in his and swung them around while screaming the lyrics to Good old fashioned Lover boy by Queen at his face.

Remus couldn't wipe away the ridiculously big, dorky and lovesick smile even hours after.

One thing he remembered more clearly then the rest. And even years and years after he would never forget it. It held a special place in his heart even if the memory itself was mostly very unpleasant; it was what the memory made possible. Like the beginning of a row of dominos.Somewhere between Sirius, good books, music and films, James and Lily, teaching, a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter morning he kept this memory (among some other ones) to lighten up darker times.

At around 1 in the night, Remus retreaded into their dorm to sleep. The alcohol seized to work its magic and his body felt tired and drained. A bunch of people had left already at that point, but most of the Gryffindors were not ready to call it a night and head to bed.

He stumbled into the bathroom, put on his pyjamas and let himself fall onto his bed. He was still slightly dizzy and the world spun around him, but sat up again when he heard someone approaching the door to their dormitory through the hallway.

Sirius stumbled into their room clutching the door as support. Remus laughed as he saw his friend stumble drunkenly towards where he was sitting of his bed.

„Merlins beard, Sirius. How much have you had to drink?"

Sirius seemed alarmed and looked around. He raised a finger to his mouth and placed it on his lips. „Shhhhhhhhh......“ With that he leaned forward.“You cannnttt tell Mooonnyyykinnnssss." Sirius did whisper that but it was kind of a whisper-scream. Remus didn't think he had ever seen Sirius that drunk.

„Sure, Pads my lips are sealed."

He almost fell on Remus's bed and threw his arms round him to keep himself steady.

„Maybe we should get you to bed, Pads. Mhmm?"

„No, I'm wide awake. I cammmme up here, cause I-I ran away from Taylor Dower." Remus giggled at the way Sirius slurred his words. „She wantted to snoooog me Moony!" Judging by the expression on Sirius's face somebody wanting to kiss him was the most outrageous thing he could fathom.

„Oh come on Padfoot. I bet you could think of worse thing to do that snog girls."

Sirius steered back and blinked very slowly. „She didn't even have nice hair."

Remus raised his eyebrows.

„YOU have nice hair," said Sirius, his voice reduced to an actual whisper now. He wavered for a moment and then put his hand in Remus's sandy locks. Remus had goosebumps all over his body now. He could see the curiosity all over his friends face; he stopped breathing. Looking back, he couldn't pinpoint why he hadn't stopped Sirius there. His friend was clearly sloshed. But he was young and stupid and his crush was touching him. So what else was there left to say for Remus except: „Not as nice as your hair though."

He chuckled a bit at how ridiculous this was and how stupid it was for him to be enjoying this. „Pads, You’re gonna be so bloody hungover tomorrow“

Sirius didn't seem to mind. „It's so soft.“ He said with his fingertips still buried in Remus’s hair. „How do you get it so soft Moons?" Sirius was awfully close now; Remus could‘t remember how to think let alone breathe.

Sirius blinked a few times, very slowly. Then his lips curled into a soft smile. „You might think you're the moon, but I swear your soul is like the sun." And with that his lips were on Remus's.

The few seconds his brain took to realise what was happening, Remus just sat there. Doing nothing; his long arms dangling from his body, eyes wide with shock. Then he got it together and reciprocated the kiss; his hand moving into Sirius‘s hair as well (very soft indeed, just like he always imagined) He couldn’t exactly tell how much time passed but they were laying on his bed after a while; his lips now considerably swollen and Sirius breathing heavily on top of him.

It took the exact same amount of seconds that Remus needed to pull himself together ,for Sirius to jerk back, look at Remus with horror in his eyes and puke all over his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a long one but might be my favourite chapter I’ve written so far.   
> Also there’s some good old angst coming in the next few so be exited I guess. or not exited, depends on your preference. I‘m always a fan of some angsty teens.


	9. Existential dread

Existential dread. That was all Remus could feel that following morning. His morning so far had consisted of cold sweat, the urge to vomit at any moment, and staring straight at the ceiling for what seemed to be hours with the curtains of his bed closed, pretending to be asleep.

He couldn't face Sirius after what happened last night. After the kiss, he had gone to the toilet to try to wash Sirius's sick off his favourite jumper and corduroy pants. When he came out, Sirius was already face down, passed out on his bed. Convenient avoiding the confrontation for that night, but he had to speak to Sirius somehow. Unless Sirius didn't remember. A hope remus clung to like a drowning person to a life jacket. He had never wanted something so desperately then for Sirius to just not remember the last couple hours of his birthday party.

He had come to the following conclusion at about 5 in the morning: Despite his heartrenching and hopeless crush on Sirius, he'd rather just forget the kiss ever happened (he had to admit to himself though: he did enjoy it immensely; except for the part where Sirius threw up on him. No that part he didn’t enjoy at all). Remus was still set on the strategy of just waiting for his feelings for Sirius to pass. He just had to extinguish the flicker of hope inside his chest without burning himself.

When hearing someone draw back the curtains and yawn, the anxiety (which had been with him since the kiss. Yeah Remus could always count on his trusty companion to be there in situations like these.) in his stomach began to churn. He frantically rubbed a spot on the back of his hand with his fingernails, like he always did when he was nervous; it already was bright red.

„Prongs?“ heard Remus, Sirius whisper from behind his curtains. _I'm just going to stay in my bed forever._

James made a sound very close to animalistic grunt.

A half an hour or so passed and Remus just sat in his bed some more. Listening to James quietly make fun of Peter for eating those pumpkin pasties. („You were high as a kite, mate.") He contemplated when to reveal to the others that he was in fact not still asleep. Sirius was pretty quiet except for the occasional complain about his raging hangover as he was getting dressed until he asked about Remus.

„You reckon he's still asleep?" he asked presumably James or Peter. „I'm like 60 percent sure that I hurled on him last night. Can't really remember." James started laughing hysterically and Peter complained about the volume with a groan.

This was Remus's cue. He gathered his courage and drew back the curtains. He wasn't entirely sure about his tactic here but just not mentioning it seemed like a reasonable and safe choice.

He wanted to say something but nothing came out so he just stayed silent and looked at his friends. James and Peter were laying on Sirius bed and Sirius stood in their dormitory doing his hair. His natural hair was a mess of wild black curls (which Remus loved) but he always used a potion that made them turn into a more wavy texture.

„ Mornin' Mooonyy." Even when sleep deprived and hungover James remained his cheerful self.

Sirius simply inquired „ Say, did I hurl on you,Remus ?I can't recall anything past like 12." he slicked back his hair with a comb. S.O.B it had engraved on the handle; there were still traces of his upbringing when you looked close enough.

„Yes, you did. In fact on my favourite jumper you bastard." Sirius and James laughed. Peter put his hands over his ears and looked like he was about to throw up as well.

Firstly, Remus was relieved. It really seemed like Sirius did not distinctly remember what happened when he came up to the dormitories that last night. They could carry on like normal. Maybe he was being delusional but he hoped that this could be the thing that helped him get over his crush on Sirius. He kissed him once and it ended disastrously. He really was hopeful.

That was until about a day and a half later in 3rd hour herbology when he realised something he hadn't the past few days. Something small but painfully obvious. Sirius called (and kept calling) him Remus. The occasional Moony as well, but mainly Remus. Now to many people that might be of litte significance; a friend calling the other friend by their first name. As simple as that. But it wasn't.

Sirius was rather fond of nicknames, you see. And especially with Remus, he had never used his actual name. Not since the the 3rd year anyways. He always came up with the most ridiculous versions of Remus of Moony and enjoyed agitating Remus with them.

Sirius wasn't cold or distant. If he remembered or minded even, he didn't show it; his behaviour didn't change in the slightest. Except for the name.

Alone at night, Remus tried not to read too much into it or think about it. He tried to keep himself distracted. Because thoughts can be dangerous, especially at night. _No thinking. Not a thought. No thinking, nothinking, nothinkingnothinking._

_YOU have nice hair. It's so soft.You might think you're the moon, but I swear your soul is like the sun. I can't recall anything past like 12.You might think you're the moon, but I swear your soul is like the sun. think you're the moon, butyour soul is like the sun. you're the moon, but I swear_

_your_

_soul_

_is like_

_the sun._

_Its all gonna be okay. It had the be okay._

and that's when it started to go downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short and kind of experimental. The end is supposed to be showing a panic attack that Remus has. Tell me what you think...
> 
> From here on out we are mostly going to follow Sirius after the kiss and how he deals with it and get a deeper look into his point of view.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you endlessly for reading :)


End file.
